To What Do I Pray?

There once was a man who was caught- as many others were- in a huge flood that engulfed his town. Like many of his other neighbors, he sought refuge at the top of his house as the flood waters grew higher and higher.

With nothing else to do, the man prayed to God for assistance.

Shortly, a raft of townsmen came along, grabbing as many survivors as they could. Seeing the man, they called out to the man as he stood upon his roof. But the man refused to enter their boat: "I'm waiting for God to help me." Unable to get him onto the raft, the townsmen left. The flood waters grew higher, and the man continued praying.

After this, the National Guard came along in a speedboat, searching for survivors. Upon seeing the man on his roof, they called out to him and told him to get into the boat. However, the man once again refused their help: "I'm waiting for God to help me." The coaxed and pleaded with the man, but they could not change his mind. He stayed upon his roof and they left begrudgingly.

Shortly thereafter, the flood waters engulfed the man's house. He was swept off his roof and it was momentarily saved from drowning by grapsing onto a strong treebranch as he was swept away. But the waters continued to rise. The man continued praying.

As the waters grew and as the man's grip began to fail, a rescue helicopter arrived in the knick of time. They spotted the man and quickly threw down a rescue line and demanded that the man grab a hold. But even as the waters garbled his speech and the current worked to break the branch upon which he held, he refused and told them that he was still waiting for God to help him. The rescue workers begged and pleaded with the man, but he was stubborn and his mind could not be changed. Unfortunately, in the course of the arguement, a huge wave swept by and dragged the man under the current where he drowned and died.

As the man's soul arrived in heaven, he was quite upset! Frustrated and bewildered, he run up to God and asked: "Where were you? Why did you ignore my prayers? The flood water's kept rising but you did nothing to help me!"

Equally frustrated, God replied: "What are you talking about? I sent the townsmen on the raft, the national guard in the boat AND the helicopter to rescue you!"

This is not the only story I have heard like this.

A couple of parents, who believe their God finds vaccines abhorrent watch their child die from a preventable illness despite the urges from doctors and nurses to use a vaccine to save their child's life.

An individual who gets a melanoma cancer-risk screening recieves the results that they have a 76% chance of developing life threatening melanoma in their life time unless they adopt some basic preventative health behaviors. However, this person- believing it was God's will if they got the disease or not- does not to alter their life style in light of this information.

I would like to think of myself as a scientist. As such, I only find useful that which can be measured, proven or disproven through empiricism. When I hear these and other stories, my reaction is not that there is no God. Rather, that the existence or non-existence of God cannot be verified or refuted through scientific or logical means. In short, as it stands God as an entity cannot be tested and we cannot know what truth is regarding the existence of God.

As a result of my belief in empiricism as the most accurate and useful way to explore and gain understanding at the world, I identify as agnostic. True to the word's origins, I believe we are simply "without knowledge" about God.

Yet, it is said there are no athiests (or arguably agnostics) in hospital beds. And indeed, I find myself even in my agnosticism not above praying or believing in a higher power at certain times (call it belief perseverance or optimism). My "God" as it were is probably more along the lines of the entity in the first story. However, I am disenchanted with many of the versions of God that I have been given to believe in.

So who is the "God" I pray to? What is God?

Sometimes, my God is Death. I am mortal, my time in the world is short- regardless of how many years I live. My days are numbered, regardless of what I do or what happens to me. It is the inescapable fact that I must come to terms with- as we all do- or I risk driving myself insane. It's physics in the old sense of the word: things come into being and then pass away. However, the exact moment throughout my potential life-span at which I die is (essentially) arbitrary. When my God is Death, I pray to God to allow me to live just a moment longer so that I may continue to enjoy life, pursue my goals, and reduce the fear associated with paying the inevitable price of mortality.

In a related note, sometimes my God is probability. Other than death and other immutable "truth" (if there is such a thing we can try to discover) I believe that all occurence is probablistic. This makes sense if I am to consider myself a scientist. Perhaps somewhere out there, immortals roam amongst us though I don't think I know any... "Miracles" then are simply that 1% chance deviation from what is expected to happen 99% of the time. Given the probabilities of any given event- an unlikely outcome is bound to happen to somebody or something at some point in time. Miracles are simply a misattribution of the outcomes or a misunderstanding of the nature of probability. They are inappropriately formed after-the-fact hypotheses and confirmation bias. When bad events are coming my way, and when my God is Probability, I pray to God to allow me to be the that 1%, to be the exception that proves the rule. When my God is Probability, I both concede my fate to God and collaborate with God to improve my chances.

Also related to probability, (interestingly) sometimes my God is the Wonder of the Unknown. This is the God I thank when I am happy with my life events: when I think retrospectively about how fortunate I was to be born into the circumstances that I have. This is the God I feel when staring at certain art, when immersed in nature, experience new things and when I cannot reconcile myself with the fact that these and other good things I experience are all probabilitic occurences. This is the God that reveals itself in my imagination that I conjur up to illuminate the darkness of the unknown. This is the God that I feel when I and others far more knowledgeable than I say the words "I don't know". This is the God of questions that remain even after finding answers, of truth yet undiscovered, and the ineffable. So in a way, my agnosticism is quite theistic!

My God- to whom I pray and give thanks, who gives me hope and guides my actions, my "rock" and my salvation, who gives me feelings of worth and love- is all of these things: perhaps more. What diety is more worthy of worship?

There's one thing I'm pretty sure of that is core to my philosophy now and very likely guaranteed to be an important aspect of my philosophy as it develops in the future.

I respect the self above all else; not just humanity in general but each and every individual person and the uniqueness I believe we each possess. I believe in maximizing myself and mastering my talents. I respect myself and believe I should not be impeded in reaching my potential- whatever that may be- unless it requires me to sacrifice and infringe upon the humanity and potential reaching journey of others. I believe that reaching my potential and maximizing my purpose therein is the path to happiness and may indeed be the purpose of human existence.

To honor and respect the self is to see beauty and value in oneself and the entirety of the human race.

Power, fear, joy, peace, anger and sadness.

I am scared.

I am afraid of my grandparents dying. Partly for the loss of them as people but mostly because I'm not sure how I'll be able to support my mother in her grieving process. I'm scared that my lack of potential ability- my lack of power- to help her grieve will push her away. I love my mother. I love my mother deeply, but I push her away actively. I'm scared that if I push my mom too far, that I'll lose her emotionally. I'm scared of losing my mother emotionally. I'm even more scared of her dying. It makes me really sad to think of her dying. I'm really scared that my mother's addictions will kill her soon. That makes me very sad.

I'm mad at my mother. I'm mad at her for not being resilient and self-deprecating. I'm mad at her for feeling like she's weak and not giving credit to her strengths. I'm mad that she can't validate herself and needs others to give her validation. I'm mad that she doesn't care about herself. I'm scared that all of these things make it easier for her to turn to her addictions and I'm scared that they will kill her soon. And that makes me very sad. I'm mad that I have to worry about losing her and how that would potentially leave me all alone. I'm scared of being alone and without love. I'm mad at her for how she makes me feel like my opinions don't matter in terms of her own convictions to use drugs and alcohol to solve her problems. I'm mad at her for how she seems resigned to die. I'm scared to admit that there might be nothing I could possibly do to save her from this death. I'm scared to admit that I might be powerless to stop such an end from happening. It makes me really sad to think about potentially losing her.

I'm anxious-resistant towards my mother, and because of that I'm sure I'm anxious resistant towards those who are close to me as well.

I try to make myself feel powerful and invulnerable so I don't feel scared and helpless. I feel like if I don't have power, that I am vulnerable to hurt and to loss. I'm scared to admit that I may not have the power to resolve myself after my mom's death which might be a very real reality soon. I feel like if I acknowledge my feelings for my mother, that I lose my illusion of power and admit that I am scared and weak. If I know that I am scared and weak, I acknowledge that I have no control over whether or not my mothers addictions take her life soon. I'm really scared about losing my mother because that would make me very sad. Power and gaining power means everything to me. It means being unable to be hurt and having the ability to cause change at ease. To me it seems to be the way to secure happiness and peace. I'm scared to see if that last belief is true.

I'm scared to admit that my devotion to power might cause me to change into someone I don't want to be. If to be powerful means to be invulnerable or hard to hurt, that means that I must sever and halt emotional connections with all people in my life- including my loved ones. I don't want to do that. If being powerful means causing change without resistance, that would mean that I would take away the consent of others and hurt them without any means of retaliation; I would become an oppressor and feared. I don't want to be that.

Power is important to me, but it might be an obsession. I feel I genuinely powerful, but I also think I'm not nearly as powerful as I think I am. I'm scared to think I'm not as powerful as I think I am. I think that's toxic to me and is setting the real me- the vulnerable, human me- to take devastating damage in the future by not acknowledging or acting on the fear and sadness I have now in a healthy way.

Sometimes I'm afraid that I can't cry anymore.

**Insight** Living

It's hard living in a world- America, Utah- that you know is not made for you. It's hard to live consciously and realized that, for better or for worse, you are not the target of advertisement or the audience the media is trying to reach. Even cartoons and fictional characters are- even if they appear to represent you- half-hearted, tokenizing attempts by oppressors to both fool the ignorant oppressed into thinking they are valued and give fellow oppressors novelty in the "diversity" portrayed.

Perhaps the worst thing is the silence: being the one to suffer micro aggressions and undo grievances constantly and feeling you are the only one who cares- the only one who notices. The silence that surrounds the oppression is the way your oppressors tell you you are either insane or "oversensitive". And if you dare to speak up, if don't stifle your honesty for once- something that you do so often to offer a watered-down version of reality that is more acceptable to your oppressors but a half-truth at best- you are unfailingly dismissed or misunderstood.

I am oppressed by many things, but one that is flashed in my face gaudily is a recurring heterosexist nightmare of public displays of affection. Certainly, before even being able to vent my frustration I feel obligated to address the question "what are public displays of affection for?" I can't say I am either for or against them because as I have observed they are- at best- behaviors that are unaware of or brave in the face of the public eye in order to perform something kind for ones partner, and -at worst- an active act of exhibitionist micro aggression that makes the PDAers feel false superiority by flaunting themselves in front of others. I know I have contempt for half of the spectrum, but the other half? Admirable innocence.

However, even the innocent can be an oppressive force when the PDAers in question are a perceived heterosexual couple. The oppression is done by showing those who wish to do contrary- same sex acts of public affection- what behavior is widely socially acceptable and what they cannot have. Certainly, we are fortunate now to live in an age where same sex displays of public affection does not guarantee lynching and vigilante execution, but it is still far from welcome. The non-violent public punishments or, perhaps worse, the expectation and fear of public punishment (violent or otherwise) is enough to intimidate anyone from displaying any sort of same sex public affection.

It's hard to live in a world that not only was not made for you, but was made for others at your expense.

It is hard for me to not have violent flashes of rage whenever I see a heterosexual display of public affection. For hand-holders, I envision the lovers hands being severed quickly by some invisible force leaving bloody stumps and two disembodied hands clasped loosely in a pool of blood on the ground. This image is quickly retracted though understanding that the fantasy in my head represents a moral loss. I'm destroying the master's house with the master's tools. I'm oppressing the oppressors by the same tools in which I am oppressed.

Mentally, I'm left in a vacuum and in that vacuum my true feelings come to light: sorrow. I've decided that instead images of violent retribution and a world burned to the ground and rebuilt in my image (a rebuilt world which would undoubtedly come to shift oppression from myself onto others) when I see this form of heterosexist oppression I will merely say to myself "gee, I wish *I* could such-and-such in public with my partner like you do."

It's sincere, but still has a satisfying undertone of bitterness.

That more or less solves that problem, but what of the hundreds of others?

One finds that one must either live in a more unconscious, non-thinking way or find some other consolation. Perhaps either finding faith in God, truth, and a just afterlife, or for atheism and the release of death from a horrible world into oblivion. Perhaps mere wishing to live in a small, mythical, beautiful town in the future where everyone knows oppression first hand. Or Perhaps just knowing that regardless of the existence of God, Heaven, Hell, or Truth, and regardless of whether or not one will be able to taste the fruits of ones labor, one can forge a more accepting future for those who are to walk the same path.

Yesterday, Friday July 15th was the last episode of InfoMania!

Don't know what it is? Shocker. Apparently only about 40 thousand people each week watched it.

It was a show on channel 19(6?) on CurrenTv from 2007-2011. It's premise was to take a critical look at news and pop culture... and spoof the hell out of it. Bryan Safi examined gay issues on "That's Gay", Erin Gibson took up women's issues on "Modern Lady", Sergio Cili critiqued popular music in "The White Hot Top 5", Ben Hoffman... did alot of things... ranted, made fun of people, critiqued technology. Not really my favorite, but hey he was a part of the show. And Brett Erlich took Connor Knighton's spot as the show's MC as well as hosting "Viral Video Film school" which scours youtube to find crazy-ass videos on a certain subject to be presented each week.

While I don't think one could have used that show solely as a news feed of the world, honestly it was just fun to watch these people on screen doin their thing. They got alot of sincere and up-ROARIOUS laughter out of me.

Seeing the last episode was really, really sad for me. I got a little misty eyed.
It was the same feeling I have on New Years Eve. Or when finishing a book. Or saying goodbye to a friend. It was the closing on a story. What was once alive is now dead.

I know it might seem silly but, I wonder what the lives of the people both on the set and behind the scenes will be like now. I hope they'll be happy. Even though we didn't know each other, these were all talented people and they gave me something to look forward to and enjoy each week.

Goodbyes are always hard for me, but they are bittersweet. With the music concluding, one may finally decide how one liked the song. Goodbyes are the "=" sign in a math problem that let you take all factors into an account to come up with an answer of what "is". Goodbyes and severences are the frames on a picture that let us digest, assess and come to peace with the art within.

As sad as I am to Infomania go, now that it's over I can say with conviction that it was a very good show. And I can testify of it to others with confidence.

I wish all the people on the show and behind the scenes long and fruitful futures and hope they know I am grateful to them for all the years of entertainment and insight. Thanks everyone!

***Insight*** What I Learned from College this year:


Knowledge is priceless, but tuition is still evil and will always be too high so long as it exists.

"Brilliance" is one part thought, two parts speaking up, and a dash of stubbornness.

Action is the difference between being successful and being forgettable.

Race does and does not exist.

There is a world of opportunity that lays untapped by most people daily; be one of the smart ones who reaps the rewards of the apathy of others.

Time is infinitely precious.

You earn your "A" everyday.

Break rules when they become oppressors.

Everyone is just as afraid to act as you are, a modicum of bravery will make you a leader.

Every dream is far closer within our grasp than we have been lead to believe.

Accolades and achievements shouldn't mean anything if you are as great as those rewards say you are.

Following your passions will lead you to happiness and greatness.

People are very impressionable; walk with confidence and they will clear your path.

"Is" is a powerful word, you cannot use it honestly until you have a perfect truth of the thing you're talking about- this means if you are prudent you will seldom use the word "is" (note the rest of my post).

There is a cosmos of knowledge.

"Universities" are often not what they are supposed to be; they are elitist, classist and impersonal.

Many of us don't have enough art in our lives.

You may not get what you expected, but no venture is ever wasted.

Stagnation is the enemy. It will kill you. Be busy, not bored.

We all have a staggering amount of self-delusions; shattering them is necessary to accessing the world in fullness.

Argument is the language of academia, master it.

Persuasion is the language of the commoner, master it or it will master you.

Take professors, not classes.

Largely, religion can be thought of as the anithesis of learning and truth-finding.

Everyone should read Emmanuel Kant.