I thought that I had myself figured out.
I thought that I had complete control overthings.
I thought that I would be recongised for my struggles.
I thought I was heading in the right direction.

I may have been mistaken.

On one hand, I feel like a baby for making this post, and yet I really need to get this off my chest or else this will consume me.

The moment of "revelation", if you will, arrived at me the night of Falcon Finale. But it started far, far before that.

I have mentioned before that I have always had the need to strive to be the best. But lately, I have been able to analyze myself deeper than that. Yes, I want to stand out, to be the best. However, I want to do so without having to try all that hard. I think that I half expected the world to realise how great (I feel)I am as a person without my having to prove it. I also wanted to believe that if I feel that I am working harder than everyone else, I will ALWAYS achieve my goals.

Slowly overtime, these beliefs have slowly deteriorated. However, it all came crashing down on Falcon Finale.

It almost did me in.

I knew I would not get the Science award; I had gathered this from Mr. Erickson already. It didn't matter.

I KNEW I would get First Falcon.

I was thrown a curveball when I got the Spanish award. A nice bonus; I figured it would go well with my First Falcon Award.

"Given to the student who is Well-rounded, A good Scholar, A great Citizen, and a person who participates in a variety of school activites." That's in the bag I thought.
7th grade: 4.0 roll twice, High Honor Roll twice, mediocre Track runner, wrestler.
8th grade: 4.0 roll all terms, champion varsity wrestler, district lvl track runner, State Champ and National Level Science Olympian.
9th grade: 4.0 once (hopefully twice), High Honor Roll twice, District Champion track runner, State Champ and National Level Science Olympain, and (generally) I thought a good majority of people knew me and were my friends.

No, that all came crashing down around me; I was stunned when I found out I hadn't even been nominated. Everything kinda lost color and I was lost in myself. Everytime I saw the candidates up on stage, I could feel stabbing pain inside.

I had lost. Again.

I had lost everything.
I didn't ever take home a wrestling medal, NSO medal, or even a Track medal.
Those hurt enough.
This was my last glimmer of hope, and in the course of a few seconds I realised, all was lost.
Game Over.

At times, one might wonder why the world is so tough on ones self.
I have heard many different testimonies from many different people, and I feel that I believe them; however, I have found that no matter what people say and think they believe, they can only ever fully believe once they have experienced for themselves. This applies to me as well.

During track one day (man, it felt like 100 degrees!) Everyone was to run a little over a mile. I gulped, and got ready for what lay ahead.

I started off well, I was near the front of the group. But after a couple of minutes, one person passed me, then two, then another two, then three (bearing in mind of course that some of these people were distance runners). I saw my friends gradually pulling away.

Each breath felt like daggers inside me. My arms were rusted metal and my worn legs cried out, "Please, for heavens sake, STOP!" My mind kept saying, "This is madness you are going to hurt yourself," yet at the same time a voice said "Don't let them beat you! Keep going, you can do it!"

All this, And I realised I wasn't even half way.

At 60% of the way done my body said to was crying "You HAVE to stop...at least slow down...you are going to pass out...you have reached your limit."

But, at the same time I felt myself thinking "You CANNOT stop...this is nothing...you can go faster...pull out a little more...more....more..."

I thought my body had reached its limit. But, it was myself that was the limit all along. At 3/4 of the way done, I was having no problem. The pain was nullified. My breathing was tolerable. I passed those same people who had passed me and a few more. I finished off with a sprint.

This small and humble, yet incredibly valuable situation put things in perspective for me.

THIS is what trials are for. They awaken potential, test will, body and soul, push you to that which you think is your absolute limit, and more.

But If you emerge victorious, you will become stronger than you could have ever imagined.