Sunday, December 04, 2011
Sunday, November 27, 2011
**Insight** Living
It's hard living in a world- America, Utah- that you know is not made for you. It's hard to live consciously and realized that, for better or for worse, you are not the target of advertisement or the audience the media is trying to reach. Even cartoons and fictional characters are- even if they appear to represent you- half-hearted, tokenizing attempts by oppressors to both fool the ignorant oppressed into thinking they are valued and give fellow oppressors novelty in the "diversity" portrayed.
Perhaps the worst thing is the silence: being the one to suffer micro aggressions and undo grievances constantly and feeling you are the only one who cares- the only one who notices. The silence that surrounds the oppression is the way your oppressors tell you you are either insane or "oversensitive". And if you dare to speak up, if don't stifle your honesty for once- something that you do so often to offer a watered-down version of reality that is more acceptable to your oppressors but a half-truth at best- you are unfailingly dismissed or misunderstood.
I am oppressed by many things, but one that is flashed in my face gaudily is a recurring heterosexist nightmare of public displays of affection. Certainly, before even being able to vent my frustration I feel obligated to address the question "what are public displays of affection for?" I can't say I am either for or against them because as I have observed they are- at best- behaviors that are unaware of or brave in the face of the public eye in order to perform something kind for ones partner, and -at worst- an active act of exhibitionist micro aggression that makes the PDAers feel false superiority by flaunting themselves in front of others. I know I have contempt for half of the spectrum, but the other half? Admirable innocence.
However, even the innocent can be an oppressive force when the PDAers in question are a perceived heterosexual couple. The oppression is done by showing those who wish to do contrary- same sex acts of public affection- what behavior is widely socially acceptable and what they cannot have. Certainly, we are fortunate now to live in an age where same sex displays of public affection does not guarantee lynching and vigilante execution, but it is still far from welcome. The non-violent public punishments or, perhaps worse, the expectation and fear of public punishment (violent or otherwise) is enough to intimidate anyone from displaying any sort of same sex public affection.
It's hard to live in a world that not only was not made for you, but was made for others at your expense.
It is hard for me to not have violent flashes of rage whenever I see a heterosexual display of public affection. For hand-holders, I envision the lovers hands being severed quickly by some invisible force leaving bloody stumps and two disembodied hands clasped loosely in a pool of blood on the ground. This image is quickly retracted though understanding that the fantasy in my head represents a moral loss. I'm destroying the master's house with the master's tools. I'm oppressing the oppressors by the same tools in which I am oppressed.
Mentally, I'm left in a vacuum and in that vacuum my true feelings come to light: sorrow. I've decided that instead images of violent retribution and a world burned to the ground and rebuilt in my image (a rebuilt world which would undoubtedly come to shift oppression from myself onto others) when I see this form of heterosexist oppression I will merely say to myself "gee, I wish *I* could such-and-such in public with my partner like you do."
It's sincere, but still has a satisfying undertone of bitterness.
That more or less solves that problem, but what of the hundreds of others?
One finds that one must either live in a more unconscious, non-thinking way or find some other consolation. Perhaps either finding faith in God, truth, and a just afterlife, or for atheism and the release of death from a horrible world into oblivion. Perhaps mere wishing to live in a small, mythical, beautiful town in the future where everyone knows oppression first hand. Or Perhaps just knowing that regardless of the existence of God, Heaven, Hell, or Truth, and regardless of whether or not one will be able to taste the fruits of ones labor, one can forge a more accepting future for those who are to walk the same path.
It's hard living in a world- America, Utah- that you know is not made for you. It's hard to live consciously and realized that, for better or for worse, you are not the target of advertisement or the audience the media is trying to reach. Even cartoons and fictional characters are- even if they appear to represent you- half-hearted, tokenizing attempts by oppressors to both fool the ignorant oppressed into thinking they are valued and give fellow oppressors novelty in the "diversity" portrayed.
Perhaps the worst thing is the silence: being the one to suffer micro aggressions and undo grievances constantly and feeling you are the only one who cares- the only one who notices. The silence that surrounds the oppression is the way your oppressors tell you you are either insane or "oversensitive". And if you dare to speak up, if don't stifle your honesty for once- something that you do so often to offer a watered-down version of reality that is more acceptable to your oppressors but a half-truth at best- you are unfailingly dismissed or misunderstood.
I am oppressed by many things, but one that is flashed in my face gaudily is a recurring heterosexist nightmare of public displays of affection. Certainly, before even being able to vent my frustration I feel obligated to address the question "what are public displays of affection for?" I can't say I am either for or against them because as I have observed they are- at best- behaviors that are unaware of or brave in the face of the public eye in order to perform something kind for ones partner, and -at worst- an active act of exhibitionist micro aggression that makes the PDAers feel false superiority by flaunting themselves in front of others. I know I have contempt for half of the spectrum, but the other half? Admirable innocence.
However, even the innocent can be an oppressive force when the PDAers in question are a perceived heterosexual couple. The oppression is done by showing those who wish to do contrary- same sex acts of public affection- what behavior is widely socially acceptable and what they cannot have. Certainly, we are fortunate now to live in an age where same sex displays of public affection does not guarantee lynching and vigilante execution, but it is still far from welcome. The non-violent public punishments or, perhaps worse, the expectation and fear of public punishment (violent or otherwise) is enough to intimidate anyone from displaying any sort of same sex public affection.
It's hard to live in a world that not only was not made for you, but was made for others at your expense.
It is hard for me to not have violent flashes of rage whenever I see a heterosexual display of public affection. For hand-holders, I envision the lovers hands being severed quickly by some invisible force leaving bloody stumps and two disembodied hands clasped loosely in a pool of blood on the ground. This image is quickly retracted though understanding that the fantasy in my head represents a moral loss. I'm destroying the master's house with the master's tools. I'm oppressing the oppressors by the same tools in which I am oppressed.
Mentally, I'm left in a vacuum and in that vacuum my true feelings come to light: sorrow. I've decided that instead images of violent retribution and a world burned to the ground and rebuilt in my image (a rebuilt world which would undoubtedly come to shift oppression from myself onto others) when I see this form of heterosexist oppression I will merely say to myself "gee, I wish *I* could such-and-such in public with my partner like you do."
It's sincere, but still has a satisfying undertone of bitterness.
That more or less solves that problem, but what of the hundreds of others?
One finds that one must either live in a more unconscious, non-thinking way or find some other consolation. Perhaps either finding faith in God, truth, and a just afterlife, or for atheism and the release of death from a horrible world into oblivion. Perhaps mere wishing to live in a small, mythical, beautiful town in the future where everyone knows oppression first hand. Or Perhaps just knowing that regardless of the existence of God, Heaven, Hell, or Truth, and regardless of whether or not one will be able to taste the fruits of ones labor, one can forge a more accepting future for those who are to walk the same path.
Saturday, July 16, 2011
Yesterday, Friday July 15th was the last episode of InfoMania!
Don't know what it is? Shocker. Apparently only about 40 thousand people each week watched it.
It was a show on channel 19(6?) on CurrenTv from 2007-2011. It's premise was to take a critical look at news and pop culture... and spoof the hell out of it. Bryan Safi examined gay issues on "That's Gay", Erin Gibson took up women's issues on "Modern Lady", Sergio Cili critiqued popular music in "The White Hot Top 5", Ben Hoffman... did alot of things... ranted, made fun of people, critiqued technology. Not really my favorite, but hey he was a part of the show. And Brett Erlich took Connor Knighton's spot as the show's MC as well as hosting "Viral Video Film school" which scours youtube to find crazy-ass videos on a certain subject to be presented each week.
While I don't think one could have used that show solely as a news feed of the world, honestly it was just fun to watch these people on screen doin their thing. They got alot of sincere and up-ROARIOUS laughter out of me.
Seeing the last episode was really, really sad for me. I got a little misty eyed.
It was the same feeling I have on New Years Eve. Or when finishing a book. Or saying goodbye to a friend. It was the closing on a story. What was once alive is now dead.
I know it might seem silly but, I wonder what the lives of the people both on the set and behind the scenes will be like now. I hope they'll be happy. Even though we didn't know each other, these were all talented people and they gave me something to look forward to and enjoy each week.
Goodbyes are always hard for me, but they are bittersweet. With the music concluding, one may finally decide how one liked the song. Goodbyes are the "=" sign in a math problem that let you take all factors into an account to come up with an answer of what "is". Goodbyes and severences are the frames on a picture that let us digest, assess and come to peace with the art within.
As sad as I am to Infomania go, now that it's over I can say with conviction that it was a very good show. And I can testify of it to others with confidence.
I wish all the people on the show and behind the scenes long and fruitful futures and hope they know I am grateful to them for all the years of entertainment and insight. Thanks everyone!
Don't know what it is? Shocker. Apparently only about 40 thousand people each week watched it.
It was a show on channel 19(6?) on CurrenTv from 2007-2011. It's premise was to take a critical look at news and pop culture... and spoof the hell out of it. Bryan Safi examined gay issues on "That's Gay", Erin Gibson took up women's issues on "Modern Lady", Sergio Cili critiqued popular music in "The White Hot Top 5", Ben Hoffman... did alot of things... ranted, made fun of people, critiqued technology. Not really my favorite, but hey he was a part of the show. And Brett Erlich took Connor Knighton's spot as the show's MC as well as hosting "Viral Video Film school" which scours youtube to find crazy-ass videos on a certain subject to be presented each week.
While I don't think one could have used that show solely as a news feed of the world, honestly it was just fun to watch these people on screen doin their thing. They got alot of sincere and up-ROARIOUS laughter out of me.
Seeing the last episode was really, really sad for me. I got a little misty eyed.
It was the same feeling I have on New Years Eve. Or when finishing a book. Or saying goodbye to a friend. It was the closing on a story. What was once alive is now dead.
I know it might seem silly but, I wonder what the lives of the people both on the set and behind the scenes will be like now. I hope they'll be happy. Even though we didn't know each other, these were all talented people and they gave me something to look forward to and enjoy each week.
Goodbyes are always hard for me, but they are bittersweet. With the music concluding, one may finally decide how one liked the song. Goodbyes are the "=" sign in a math problem that let you take all factors into an account to come up with an answer of what "is". Goodbyes and severences are the frames on a picture that let us digest, assess and come to peace with the art within.
As sad as I am to Infomania go, now that it's over I can say with conviction that it was a very good show. And I can testify of it to others with confidence.
I wish all the people on the show and behind the scenes long and fruitful futures and hope they know I am grateful to them for all the years of entertainment and insight. Thanks everyone!
Wednesday, May 18, 2011
***Insight*** What I Learned from College this year:
Knowledge is priceless, but tuition is still evil and will always be too high so long as it exists.
"Brilliance" is one part thought, two parts speaking up, and a dash of stubbornness.
Action is the difference between being successful and being forgettable.
Race does and does not exist.
There is a world of opportunity that lays untapped by most people daily; be one of the smart ones who reaps the rewards of the apathy of others.
Time is infinitely precious.
You earn your "A" everyday.
Break rules when they become oppressors.
Everyone is just as afraid to act as you are, a modicum of bravery will make you a leader.
Every dream is far closer within our grasp than we have been lead to believe.
Accolades and achievements shouldn't mean anything if you are as great as those rewards say you are.
Following your passions will lead you to happiness and greatness.
People are very impressionable; walk with confidence and they will clear your path.
"Is" is a powerful word, you cannot use it honestly until you have a perfect truth of the thing you're talking about- this means if you are prudent you will seldom use the word "is" (note the rest of my post).
There is a cosmos of knowledge.
"Universities" are often not what they are supposed to be; they are elitist, classist and impersonal.
Many of us don't have enough art in our lives.
You may not get what you expected, but no venture is ever wasted.
Stagnation is the enemy. It will kill you. Be busy, not bored.
We all have a staggering amount of self-delusions; shattering them is necessary to accessing the world in fullness.
Argument is the language of academia, master it.
Persuasion is the language of the commoner, master it or it will master you.
Take professors, not classes.
Largely, religion can be thought of as the anithesis of learning and truth-finding.
Everyone should read Emmanuel Kant.
Knowledge is priceless, but tuition is still evil and will always be too high so long as it exists.
"Brilliance" is one part thought, two parts speaking up, and a dash of stubbornness.
Action is the difference between being successful and being forgettable.
Race does and does not exist.
There is a world of opportunity that lays untapped by most people daily; be one of the smart ones who reaps the rewards of the apathy of others.
Time is infinitely precious.
You earn your "A" everyday.
Break rules when they become oppressors.
Everyone is just as afraid to act as you are, a modicum of bravery will make you a leader.
Every dream is far closer within our grasp than we have been lead to believe.
Accolades and achievements shouldn't mean anything if you are as great as those rewards say you are.
Following your passions will lead you to happiness and greatness.
People are very impressionable; walk with confidence and they will clear your path.
"Is" is a powerful word, you cannot use it honestly until you have a perfect truth of the thing you're talking about- this means if you are prudent you will seldom use the word "is" (note the rest of my post).
There is a cosmos of knowledge.
"Universities" are often not what they are supposed to be; they are elitist, classist and impersonal.
Many of us don't have enough art in our lives.
You may not get what you expected, but no venture is ever wasted.
Stagnation is the enemy. It will kill you. Be busy, not bored.
We all have a staggering amount of self-delusions; shattering them is necessary to accessing the world in fullness.
Argument is the language of academia, master it.
Persuasion is the language of the commoner, master it or it will master you.
Take professors, not classes.
Largely, religion can be thought of as the anithesis of learning and truth-finding.
Everyone should read Emmanuel Kant.
Friday, April 29, 2011
It was an amazing feeling to stand there as a chosen leader, adorned and instated with applause amongst hundreds of people as their Monarch.
The feeling of amazement was not due to some conceit or self-love. It was not a feeling of supremacy or ill-based validation that some yearn for to feed their self-esteem. It was not the child of some illusion that would have me believe that this event was of any substance.
No, my triumph was the inevitable end to a years worth of hardwork. Whether or not I was acknowledged with the title, the ornament and other fleeting trifles, I had already crowned myself that night. April 16th was my night- I had already won. Whether people agreed with me or not was irrelevent. Therefore it wasn't an overwhelming sensation to hear my name called as the "champion" of the queer youth community.
No the amazing feeling came from looking down into the eyes of my friends- my supporters: the people I love and respect those who gave me the position. Hearing and seeing these dear people around me celebrating and cheering was what made it so special for me. To have my friends by my side made the occasion special.
What greater honor is there for the annointed to be bestowed his honor by those he holds dearest to his heart?
Being crowned Monarch gave me no honor. It's a word. Through my deeds and continuing work I will bestow honor to the position, not the reverse. I know it's an accolade that will, to some shallow, delusional people, be the mark of respect or authority. I know this and for that reason, I grasped at the title- not for myself but for my future goals: to be a more powerful figure in the community, I will need that edge the ignorance of these people will give me.
In short the position itself meant little to me- it did nothing for me. But those who gave it to me mean everything to me, and only from their hands does the title of Monarch mean anything today.
And because of them it was a splendid night.
The feeling of amazement was not due to some conceit or self-love. It was not a feeling of supremacy or ill-based validation that some yearn for to feed their self-esteem. It was not the child of some illusion that would have me believe that this event was of any substance.
No, my triumph was the inevitable end to a years worth of hardwork. Whether or not I was acknowledged with the title, the ornament and other fleeting trifles, I had already crowned myself that night. April 16th was my night- I had already won. Whether people agreed with me or not was irrelevent. Therefore it wasn't an overwhelming sensation to hear my name called as the "champion" of the queer youth community.
No the amazing feeling came from looking down into the eyes of my friends- my supporters: the people I love and respect those who gave me the position. Hearing and seeing these dear people around me celebrating and cheering was what made it so special for me. To have my friends by my side made the occasion special.
What greater honor is there for the annointed to be bestowed his honor by those he holds dearest to his heart?
Being crowned Monarch gave me no honor. It's a word. Through my deeds and continuing work I will bestow honor to the position, not the reverse. I know it's an accolade that will, to some shallow, delusional people, be the mark of respect or authority. I know this and for that reason, I grasped at the title- not for myself but for my future goals: to be a more powerful figure in the community, I will need that edge the ignorance of these people will give me.
In short the position itself meant little to me- it did nothing for me. But those who gave it to me mean everything to me, and only from their hands does the title of Monarch mean anything today.
And because of them it was a splendid night.
Friday, January 14, 2011
Two days ago I bought $5.00 worth of icecream.
That may not seem very significant until you realize something about me; among other things I am a near mizer with money. I'm not one to waste it on extravagent or extraneous things. It comes from my desire to always work towards something productive. Even my "free time" isn't really time to let loose- I always find a way to make that free time purposeful. And this comes from a list of virtues and morals that I have contemplated and written down to live by. It's kind of my neo-bible.
I don't like being stagnant or wasteful so I don't alot time to things I find silly or meaningless. Generally, it makes me happy to live this way, but at times it really makes the world exhausting and colorless.
So when I say I bought $5.00 worth of icecream, its something that is very uncharacteristic of me.
But you know what? It was absolutely delicious. It was nearly a pound of icecream: yellow cake batter ice cream with rainbow sprinkles and fruity cereal bits. It was my world for the 8 minutes it took me to eat it.
I could think of at least 10 things off the top of my head that that 5 dollars could be spent better on, but I've got to say... I don't really care.
I bought the ice cream because I wanted to. There was no logical reason, I wasn't particularly hungry, it wasn't a bargain, nor was the shop close by. There was nothing inherently "good" or worthwhile per se for getting the icecream. In fact, when I was done eating I felt slightly sick.
But I was happy. I was happy!
If I needed now to go back and justify my actions I would say that I spent $5.00 on an insight: there are things in the world that are neither inherently good or bad, worthwhile or wasteful, if these things would make you happy, do them: if you will it, do it. Just because it doesn't seem to have any use in particular, doesn't make that thing bad. And just because something has good use, doesn't make it inherently good. In fact, the goal of discerning between "goodness" and "badness" is to find those actions that will make you happy. Discerning is not always an easy task. The virtue is happiness, but I lost sight of the purpose and just focused on "is it worth it?".
The fact that the way I was living didn't make me entirely happy helps remind me that I certainly don't have all the answers as to what is virtuous and what is not. Because of my pride in the course of trying to find a straight, faultless path to walk in life, I fell pray to the lie that the truth is predictable and easily found. It's not. Truth is only ever most evident in retrospect.
That may not seem very significant until you realize something about me; among other things I am a near mizer with money. I'm not one to waste it on extravagent or extraneous things. It comes from my desire to always work towards something productive. Even my "free time" isn't really time to let loose- I always find a way to make that free time purposeful. And this comes from a list of virtues and morals that I have contemplated and written down to live by. It's kind of my neo-bible.
I don't like being stagnant or wasteful so I don't alot time to things I find silly or meaningless. Generally, it makes me happy to live this way, but at times it really makes the world exhausting and colorless.
So when I say I bought $5.00 worth of icecream, its something that is very uncharacteristic of me.
But you know what? It was absolutely delicious. It was nearly a pound of icecream: yellow cake batter ice cream with rainbow sprinkles and fruity cereal bits. It was my world for the 8 minutes it took me to eat it.
I could think of at least 10 things off the top of my head that that 5 dollars could be spent better on, but I've got to say... I don't really care.
I bought the ice cream because I wanted to. There was no logical reason, I wasn't particularly hungry, it wasn't a bargain, nor was the shop close by. There was nothing inherently "good" or worthwhile per se for getting the icecream. In fact, when I was done eating I felt slightly sick.
But I was happy. I was happy!
If I needed now to go back and justify my actions I would say that I spent $5.00 on an insight: there are things in the world that are neither inherently good or bad, worthwhile or wasteful, if these things would make you happy, do them: if you will it, do it. Just because it doesn't seem to have any use in particular, doesn't make that thing bad. And just because something has good use, doesn't make it inherently good. In fact, the goal of discerning between "goodness" and "badness" is to find those actions that will make you happy. Discerning is not always an easy task. The virtue is happiness, but I lost sight of the purpose and just focused on "is it worth it?".
The fact that the way I was living didn't make me entirely happy helps remind me that I certainly don't have all the answers as to what is virtuous and what is not. Because of my pride in the course of trying to find a straight, faultless path to walk in life, I fell pray to the lie that the truth is predictable and easily found. It's not. Truth is only ever most evident in retrospect.
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