There's one thing I'm pretty sure of that is core to my philosophy now and very likely guaranteed to be an important aspect of my philosophy as it develops in the future.

I respect the self above all else; not just humanity in general but each and every individual person and the uniqueness I believe we each possess. I believe in maximizing myself and mastering my talents. I respect myself and believe I should not be impeded in reaching my potential- whatever that may be- unless it requires me to sacrifice and infringe upon the humanity and potential reaching journey of others. I believe that reaching my potential and maximizing my purpose therein is the path to happiness and may indeed be the purpose of human existence.

To honor and respect the self is to see beauty and value in oneself and the entirety of the human race.

Power, fear, joy, peace, anger and sadness.

I am scared.

I am afraid of my grandparents dying. Partly for the loss of them as people but mostly because I'm not sure how I'll be able to support my mother in her grieving process. I'm scared that my lack of potential ability- my lack of power- to help her grieve will push her away. I love my mother. I love my mother deeply, but I push her away actively. I'm scared that if I push my mom too far, that I'll lose her emotionally. I'm scared of losing my mother emotionally. I'm even more scared of her dying. It makes me really sad to think of her dying. I'm really scared that my mother's addictions will kill her soon. That makes me very sad.

I'm mad at my mother. I'm mad at her for not being resilient and self-deprecating. I'm mad at her for feeling like she's weak and not giving credit to her strengths. I'm mad that she can't validate herself and needs others to give her validation. I'm mad that she doesn't care about herself. I'm scared that all of these things make it easier for her to turn to her addictions and I'm scared that they will kill her soon. And that makes me very sad. I'm mad that I have to worry about losing her and how that would potentially leave me all alone. I'm scared of being alone and without love. I'm mad at her for how she makes me feel like my opinions don't matter in terms of her own convictions to use drugs and alcohol to solve her problems. I'm mad at her for how she seems resigned to die. I'm scared to admit that there might be nothing I could possibly do to save her from this death. I'm scared to admit that I might be powerless to stop such an end from happening. It makes me really sad to think about potentially losing her.

I'm anxious-resistant towards my mother, and because of that I'm sure I'm anxious resistant towards those who are close to me as well.

I try to make myself feel powerful and invulnerable so I don't feel scared and helpless. I feel like if I don't have power, that I am vulnerable to hurt and to loss. I'm scared to admit that I may not have the power to resolve myself after my mom's death which might be a very real reality soon. I feel like if I acknowledge my feelings for my mother, that I lose my illusion of power and admit that I am scared and weak. If I know that I am scared and weak, I acknowledge that I have no control over whether or not my mothers addictions take her life soon. I'm really scared about losing my mother because that would make me very sad. Power and gaining power means everything to me. It means being unable to be hurt and having the ability to cause change at ease. To me it seems to be the way to secure happiness and peace. I'm scared to see if that last belief is true.

I'm scared to admit that my devotion to power might cause me to change into someone I don't want to be. If to be powerful means to be invulnerable or hard to hurt, that means that I must sever and halt emotional connections with all people in my life- including my loved ones. I don't want to do that. If being powerful means causing change without resistance, that would mean that I would take away the consent of others and hurt them without any means of retaliation; I would become an oppressor and feared. I don't want to be that.

Power is important to me, but it might be an obsession. I feel I genuinely powerful, but I also think I'm not nearly as powerful as I think I am. I'm scared to think I'm not as powerful as I think I am. I think that's toxic to me and is setting the real me- the vulnerable, human me- to take devastating damage in the future by not acknowledging or acting on the fear and sadness I have now in a healthy way.