***Insight*** That Infinite Feeling
There is an emotion, a state of mind. that I have the blessing of experiencing from time to time. It is fleeting, unexpected, but oh so pure.
I have no name to give it. I cannot dishonor it by describing it in a handful of words. Beacause:
It's when you look up at the sky in the blackest night, and see EVERY star, as if for the first time.
It's walking down the middle of an otherwise busy, but now barren street at 2 in the morning and laying down in the rough pavement.
It's the rush of night-life; that "go-go!" rush of action on a neon-lit, roaring street crowded with glorious sky scrapers.
It's as if it's halloween, or you're in wonderland, things can be as absurd as they wish; the absurdity is beautiful.
It's the quaint charm of the small brick cottage on a quiet, grassy dirt road. The sun sits as a dew-drop of liquid gold on the water-color horizon that casts the windows an equally blinding gold glare. The house is kissed by hundreds of yellow and red tulips who gather around its vine tangled walls. Complete simplicity. You can think of nothing more perfect or ideal. The cottage becomes your universe.
This feeling breaks all inhibition and floods you with the purest joy you can imagine. Rules and normality become a silly joke; to be laughed at and to add that laughter to this growing crescendo of this wonderous sensation!
You want to dance! You want to waltz with the sweet,old lady bundled for the winter's cold and share that joy with her, you want to make her feel special, and perhaps, just for a moment, have her lost in that fleeting world of revelry with you. You hope everyone is watching!
You want to paint! To drown your canvas in wide swathes of every color; Red! Yellow! Purple! You want to compose, a lyric, a song, symphony!
You want to DO. You want to act! Anything! Anything to satiate this hunger. Run, Jump, shout! Discover every corner of the world.
Time has stopped, yet you want to do everything, experience everything NOW.
You feel your feet on the ground, but you know you aren't tethered to the world anymore.
Everything has harmony, life has a rhythm. You feel it, embrace it, and let it sweep you off your feet. It all seems to fit together, and you fit with it.
It is pure inspiration, an eclipse of the mind into pure wonder and awe.
You have no worries, you are infinite, immortal.
You're traveling at the speed of light; you're a force of nature. Nothing is beyond you, you have no limits!
It's as though you have just discovered the world!
And you think to yourself: this is what heaven must be like
Oh this feeling. So precious, so divine. A priceless gem, an exquisite aroma, a glorious, heavenly anthem, a once in a lifetime feeling.
How I wish all mankind could no this feeling for a single moment, so we could stop the world on its axis and all look at the stars together.
Thursday, November 26, 2009
Saturday, October 17, 2009
***Insight*** Not the SAT but...
Life is one big classroom, everyday has a different lesson to teach us a little bit more about ourselves and our world. There's a lesson to be found in everything, you just need to scratch the surface.
Recently, I signed up to take the SAT. I was very nervous. A large part of my nerves came from the fact that I knew it was in October... but I didn't know when.
One day, my mom asked me when my SAT test date was, when I told her I didn't remember, I went to dig up my admit ticket and see what it was. Oh crap... It's this Saturday! There was no way I could study adequately enough in time.
Time is noones master, It's our friend, and it is our enemy. A wasted second is fleeting and unretrieveable. My time was spent procrastinating. When my mind didn't want to dwell on the dread thought of that wretched test, I turned to other exploits as a distraction. And what good did that do me? None. Now I would have to spend the next couple days in furious and hasty preparation.
Lesson learned.
Though I burned with desire to pass the test with flying colors and to prepare aptly, I was consumed with just as much desire to purge myself from the panic the test date instilled in me. Though I tried to study, it was as though each question was a waste of my time, as though it weren't doing me any good. I got frustrated and took many breaks to clear my mind. Yet those breaks, often too long for their own good, made me just as apprehensive; now I was wasting more precious time that I could be using to study with.
It was a vicious cycle. And every night, I put myself to sleep wishing my dreams of a superior test score would come true.
Please let me prove my worth with this test...
Then the day of the test arrived. I was so nervous, I felt ill-prepared; like a soldier sent into battle with a slingshot.
Please, let me do good on this test...
I carpooled with a good friend of mine, Tucker Robins.
We opted to take his car and rode to the Weber testing center.
Come on, please... I can do this, there's no reason I can't
We arrived in the testing center, Tuck and I felt a little solace that we would at least be able to test in the same room.
No such luck, we were split up alphabetically. There were about 35 people in my line.
Ok, those guys don't look very smart, I can beat them out... Oh dang, they look really prepared! I don't think I can do this!
Line moves slowly. Three people from the entrance my heart stops. They have ID. CRAP. I forgot mine! Ah, dang it! We took tuckers car, so I didn't take my license.
Knowing that I faced an inevitablity of not being able to take the test, I tried to spin the situation: "Let me see I-...OH NO! I-I forgot my ID! I'm so sorry, can I just tell you my SSN?"
Shot down again. I was removed from the testing center. There was no way I could magically acquire ID in 9 minutes.
I feel awful. Embarrassed. Defeated. I have to call my aunt to pick me up. She'll have be there in an hour. Why didn't I bring a jacket? It's 7 in the morning and I can see my breath.
Yet, still, I'd have to wait. Tucker was taking his test. No way for me to get home without him.
12 minutes later, a rather dejected looking Tucker comes out of the doors I'm waiting by. I call him. He doesn't notice. I call him again, this time he looks up and is startled to see it's me. He tells me that he was removed from the testing center because he too forgot his ID. He was going to wait for me near the testing center, but got tired was was just going to drive back to my house and relax. We both bust up when I tell him I'm in the same boat.
In a strangely happy way, we both drove back to my house and gave ourselves some well deserved rest from our catharsis.
In hindsight, it was a blessing, giving me a chance to extend my test date and prepare.
I wasn't prepared, but I wanted so very badly to do well on that test!
Despite the circumstances, there's something to be said about desire. Want something bad enough, and somehow the world seems to bend to that strong will. This is my new testimony.
Life is one big classroom, everyday has a different lesson to teach us a little bit more about ourselves and our world. There's a lesson to be found in everything, you just need to scratch the surface.
Recently, I signed up to take the SAT. I was very nervous. A large part of my nerves came from the fact that I knew it was in October... but I didn't know when.
One day, my mom asked me when my SAT test date was, when I told her I didn't remember, I went to dig up my admit ticket and see what it was. Oh crap... It's this Saturday! There was no way I could study adequately enough in time.
Time is noones master, It's our friend, and it is our enemy. A wasted second is fleeting and unretrieveable. My time was spent procrastinating. When my mind didn't want to dwell on the dread thought of that wretched test, I turned to other exploits as a distraction. And what good did that do me? None. Now I would have to spend the next couple days in furious and hasty preparation.
Lesson learned.
Though I burned with desire to pass the test with flying colors and to prepare aptly, I was consumed with just as much desire to purge myself from the panic the test date instilled in me. Though I tried to study, it was as though each question was a waste of my time, as though it weren't doing me any good. I got frustrated and took many breaks to clear my mind. Yet those breaks, often too long for their own good, made me just as apprehensive; now I was wasting more precious time that I could be using to study with.
It was a vicious cycle. And every night, I put myself to sleep wishing my dreams of a superior test score would come true.
Please let me prove my worth with this test...
Then the day of the test arrived. I was so nervous, I felt ill-prepared; like a soldier sent into battle with a slingshot.
Please, let me do good on this test...
I carpooled with a good friend of mine, Tucker Robins.
We opted to take his car and rode to the Weber testing center.
Come on, please... I can do this, there's no reason I can't
We arrived in the testing center, Tuck and I felt a little solace that we would at least be able to test in the same room.
No such luck, we were split up alphabetically. There were about 35 people in my line.
Ok, those guys don't look very smart, I can beat them out... Oh dang, they look really prepared! I don't think I can do this!
Line moves slowly. Three people from the entrance my heart stops. They have ID. CRAP. I forgot mine! Ah, dang it! We took tuckers car, so I didn't take my license.
Knowing that I faced an inevitablity of not being able to take the test, I tried to spin the situation: "Let me see I-...OH NO! I-I forgot my ID! I'm so sorry, can I just tell you my SSN?"
Shot down again. I was removed from the testing center. There was no way I could magically acquire ID in 9 minutes.
I feel awful. Embarrassed. Defeated. I have to call my aunt to pick me up. She'll have be there in an hour. Why didn't I bring a jacket? It's 7 in the morning and I can see my breath.
Yet, still, I'd have to wait. Tucker was taking his test. No way for me to get home without him.
12 minutes later, a rather dejected looking Tucker comes out of the doors I'm waiting by. I call him. He doesn't notice. I call him again, this time he looks up and is startled to see it's me. He tells me that he was removed from the testing center because he too forgot his ID. He was going to wait for me near the testing center, but got tired was was just going to drive back to my house and relax. We both bust up when I tell him I'm in the same boat.
In a strangely happy way, we both drove back to my house and gave ourselves some well deserved rest from our catharsis.
In hindsight, it was a blessing, giving me a chance to extend my test date and prepare.
I wasn't prepared, but I wanted so very badly to do well on that test!
Despite the circumstances, there's something to be said about desire. Want something bad enough, and somehow the world seems to bend to that strong will. This is my new testimony.
Sunday, October 04, 2009
***Insight*** Losing Luster
Looking back into my childhood, I realize how magical, open and infinite the world seemed. My dreams felt as if they were just out of reach, no matter how outrageous and there was something new to be found everywhere. Every day, every season, seemed different and vibrant in its own unique way that I had never before. Everything was like a wash of color, free of inhibitions.
Pondering my life now is almost depressing. The things that I once found amazing and amusing now seem dull and lifeless, utterly uninteresting. The seasons may cycle but they fall into a definite and inescapable routine. I'm inside all the time. I look at the same computer screen, look at the same pile of books, doing everything as if in tempo with an unseen metronome, dancing like a puppet on a string. My Master? Schedules, and time. Time is now an undeniable force. No longer can I choose to ignore it. It no longer seems invisible or unreal.
All the color seems to have drained from my life, it's now the color of a rusting antique or those last dying rays of golden sunlight in the twilight, desperately trying to live with their former vigor and brilliance, but slowly dimming and failing.
The luster life once had now seems to have vanished.
And yet, I feel as if I've heard this joke before. I may be in a prison, but there's still an outside world, even if i can't comprehend it beyond the gray, windowless walls and iron bars.
So what if I've explored every frozen crevasse of the tip of this iceberg? What lies below the icy waters? So what if I can't see anything past the flatness of the horizons I see? Does that mean I shall believe the world is flat? Am I prideful enough that I can say to myself that I have tasted all that is good in life already? That there is not more to be had? To be learned? To be lived?
There are books to read, people to meet, places to go, novels to write, pictures to paint, music to write, lives to change, skies to soar, mysteries to explore, dreams to dream, and a world to shape.
So while I know the oppression of time, and know I have obligations to fill and duties to perform, will I give in to my self-illusion of dullness? Will I doomed my life to fade into gray? If I do, I don't think my life will ever know color again.
Looking back into my childhood, I realize how magical, open and infinite the world seemed. My dreams felt as if they were just out of reach, no matter how outrageous and there was something new to be found everywhere. Every day, every season, seemed different and vibrant in its own unique way that I had never before. Everything was like a wash of color, free of inhibitions.
Pondering my life now is almost depressing. The things that I once found amazing and amusing now seem dull and lifeless, utterly uninteresting. The seasons may cycle but they fall into a definite and inescapable routine. I'm inside all the time. I look at the same computer screen, look at the same pile of books, doing everything as if in tempo with an unseen metronome, dancing like a puppet on a string. My Master? Schedules, and time. Time is now an undeniable force. No longer can I choose to ignore it. It no longer seems invisible or unreal.
All the color seems to have drained from my life, it's now the color of a rusting antique or those last dying rays of golden sunlight in the twilight, desperately trying to live with their former vigor and brilliance, but slowly dimming and failing.
The luster life once had now seems to have vanished.
And yet, I feel as if I've heard this joke before. I may be in a prison, but there's still an outside world, even if i can't comprehend it beyond the gray, windowless walls and iron bars.
So what if I've explored every frozen crevasse of the tip of this iceberg? What lies below the icy waters? So what if I can't see anything past the flatness of the horizons I see? Does that mean I shall believe the world is flat? Am I prideful enough that I can say to myself that I have tasted all that is good in life already? That there is not more to be had? To be learned? To be lived?
There are books to read, people to meet, places to go, novels to write, pictures to paint, music to write, lives to change, skies to soar, mysteries to explore, dreams to dream, and a world to shape.
So while I know the oppression of time, and know I have obligations to fill and duties to perform, will I give in to my self-illusion of dullness? Will I doomed my life to fade into gray? If I do, I don't think my life will ever know color again.
Sunday, September 20, 2009
***Insight*** Precipice of Change
And here I sit, mere hours away from my 18th year. How the world is supposed to open up and change. How the world is supposed to supply me with opportunity but also heap upon me responsiblity.
Looking back onto my past 17 years of life, I am proud at my achievements, yet sad at those things I didn't do. I notice my mistakes and my flaws and what made me who I am today.
On one hand, I suppose I should be sorrowful and regretful about all my missed opportunites and my lacking behavior, but I feel as if i can let all of my past go now.
I'd like the official beginning of my adulthood to be a metamorphosis into who I want to be as a man.
It's my time. I can't worry about the past anymore, there is no point in doing so. The world keeps marching forward and so must I.
This time of my life will not be marked as innocence lost, but more as a rebirth. Hopefully, my resolve will match my dreams and ambitions.
Above all, I'm full of optimism and wonder. I feel as though now I can change the world I live in, and that my voice is now one to be heard.
And here I sit, mere hours away from my 18th year. How the world is supposed to open up and change. How the world is supposed to supply me with opportunity but also heap upon me responsiblity.
Looking back onto my past 17 years of life, I am proud at my achievements, yet sad at those things I didn't do. I notice my mistakes and my flaws and what made me who I am today.
On one hand, I suppose I should be sorrowful and regretful about all my missed opportunites and my lacking behavior, but I feel as if i can let all of my past go now.
I'd like the official beginning of my adulthood to be a metamorphosis into who I want to be as a man.
It's my time. I can't worry about the past anymore, there is no point in doing so. The world keeps marching forward and so must I.
This time of my life will not be marked as innocence lost, but more as a rebirth. Hopefully, my resolve will match my dreams and ambitions.
Above all, I'm full of optimism and wonder. I feel as though now I can change the world I live in, and that my voice is now one to be heard.
Monday, June 29, 2009
***Insight*** Exchange
It's interesting to look back to the past and see things through the eyes we had in our younger days.
What things were we so blissfully unaware of?
What were our priorities then?
What were our dreams and ambitions?
One of the shameful things about growing up is that the world seems to shrink and lose it's wonder. We stop believing in the ideal of "Anything is possible".
Who is the thief of our innocence and imagination? Who is the humbler of thought and vanquisher of dreams?
I'd have to say experience. As we learn and grow, we sacrifice our innocence with experience and knowledge.
Sometimes, it seems like an excellent tradeoff; almost getting something for nothing.
But we all know full well this isn't the case in the world. To gain something, you must sacrifice something else of equal worth.
The knowledge we gain is just as valuable as the innocence we lose.
And sometimes we truly do realize this. Those are the moments we wish we could turn back the clock.
It's interesting to look back to the past and see things through the eyes we had in our younger days.
What things were we so blissfully unaware of?
What were our priorities then?
What were our dreams and ambitions?
One of the shameful things about growing up is that the world seems to shrink and lose it's wonder. We stop believing in the ideal of "Anything is possible".
Who is the thief of our innocence and imagination? Who is the humbler of thought and vanquisher of dreams?
I'd have to say experience. As we learn and grow, we sacrifice our innocence with experience and knowledge.
Sometimes, it seems like an excellent tradeoff; almost getting something for nothing.
But we all know full well this isn't the case in the world. To gain something, you must sacrifice something else of equal worth.
The knowledge we gain is just as valuable as the innocence we lose.
And sometimes we truly do realize this. Those are the moments we wish we could turn back the clock.
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