There once was a man who was caught- as many others were- in a huge flood that engulfed his town. Like many of his other neighbors, he sought refuge at the top of his house as the flood waters grew higher and higher.
With nothing else to do, the man prayed to God for assistance.
Shortly, a raft of townsmen came along, grabbing as many survivors as they could. Seeing the man, they called out to the man as he stood upon his roof. But the man refused to enter their boat: "I'm waiting for God to help me." Unable to get him onto the raft, the townsmen left. The flood waters grew higher, and the man continued praying.
After this, the National Guard came along in a speedboat, searching for survivors. Upon seeing the man on his roof, they called out to him and told him to get into the boat. However, the man once again refused their help: "I'm waiting for God to help me." The coaxed and pleaded with the man, but they could not change his mind. He stayed upon his roof and they left begrudgingly.
Shortly thereafter, the flood waters engulfed the man's house. He was swept off his roof and it was momentarily saved from drowning by grapsing onto a strong treebranch as he was swept away. But the waters continued to rise. The man continued praying.
As the waters grew and as the man's grip began to fail, a rescue helicopter arrived in the knick of time. They spotted the man and quickly threw down a rescue line and demanded that the man grab a hold. But even as the waters garbled his speech and the current worked to break the branch upon which he held, he refused and told them that he was still waiting for God to help him. The rescue workers begged and pleaded with the man, but he was stubborn and his mind could not be changed. Unfortunately, in the course of the arguement, a huge wave swept by and dragged the man under the current where he drowned and died.
As the man's soul arrived in heaven, he was quite upset! Frustrated and bewildered, he run up to God and asked: "Where were you? Why did you ignore my prayers? The flood water's kept rising but you did nothing to help me!"
Equally frustrated, God replied: "What are you talking about? I sent the townsmen on the raft, the national guard in the boat AND the helicopter to rescue you!"
This is not the only story I have heard like this.
A couple of parents, who believe their God finds vaccines abhorrent watch their child die from a preventable illness despite the urges from doctors and nurses to use a vaccine to save their child's life.
An individual who gets a melanoma cancer-risk screening recieves the results that they have a 76% chance of developing life threatening melanoma in their life time unless they adopt some basic preventative health behaviors. However, this person- believing it was God's will if they got the disease or not- does not to alter their life style in light of this information.
I would like to think of myself as a scientist. As such, I only find useful that which can be measured, proven or disproven through empiricism. When I hear these and other stories, my reaction is not that there is no God. Rather, that the existence or non-existence of God cannot be verified or refuted through scientific or logical means. In short, as it stands God as an entity cannot be tested and we cannot know what truth is regarding the existence of God.
As a result of my belief in empiricism as the most accurate and useful way to explore and gain understanding at the world, I identify as agnostic. True to the word's origins, I believe we are simply "without knowledge" about God.
Yet, it is said there are no athiests (or arguably agnostics) in hospital beds. And indeed, I find myself even in my agnosticism not above praying or believing in a higher power at certain times (call it belief perseverance or optimism). My "God" as it were is probably more along the lines of the entity in the first story. However, I am disenchanted with many of the versions of God that I have been given to believe in.
So who is the "God" I pray to? What is God?
Sometimes, my God is Death. I am mortal, my time in the world is short- regardless of how many years I live. My days are numbered, regardless of what I do or what happens to me. It is the inescapable fact that I must come to terms with- as we all do- or I risk driving myself insane. It's physics in the old sense of the word: things come into being and then pass away. However, the exact moment throughout my potential life-span at which I die is (essentially) arbitrary. When my God is Death, I pray to God to allow me to live just a moment longer so that I may continue to enjoy life, pursue my goals, and reduce the fear associated with paying the inevitable price of mortality.
In a related note, sometimes my God is probability. Other than death and other immutable "truth" (if there is such a thing we can try to discover) I believe that all occurence is probablistic. This makes sense if I am to consider myself a scientist. Perhaps somewhere out there, immortals roam amongst us though I don't think I know any... "Miracles" then are simply that 1% chance deviation from what is expected to happen 99% of the time. Given the probabilities of any given event- an unlikely outcome is bound to happen to somebody or something at some point in time. Miracles are simply a misattribution of the outcomes or a misunderstanding of the nature of probability. They are inappropriately formed after-the-fact hypotheses and confirmation bias. When bad events are coming my way, and when my God is Probability, I pray to God to allow me to be the that 1%, to be the exception that proves the rule. When my God is Probability, I both concede my fate to God and collaborate with God to improve my chances.
Also related to probability, (interestingly) sometimes my God is the Wonder of the Unknown. This is the God I thank when I am happy with my life events: when I think retrospectively about how fortunate I was to be born into the circumstances that I have. This is the God I feel when staring at certain art, when immersed in nature, experience new things and when I cannot reconcile myself with the fact that these and other good things I experience are all probabilitic occurences. This is the God that reveals itself in my imagination that I conjur up to illuminate the darkness of the unknown. This is the God that I feel when I and others far more knowledgeable than I say the words "I don't know". This is the God of questions that remain even after finding answers, of truth yet undiscovered, and the ineffable. So in a way, my agnosticism is quite theistic!
My God- to whom I pray and give thanks, who gives me hope and guides my actions, my "rock" and my salvation, who gives me feelings of worth and love- is all of these things: perhaps more. What diety is more worthy of worship?
