I thought that I had myself figured out.
I thought that I had complete control overthings.
I thought that I would be recongised for my struggles.
I thought I was heading in the right direction.
I may have been mistaken.
On one hand, I feel like a baby for making this post, and yet I really need to get this off my chest or else this will consume me.
The moment of "revelation", if you will, arrived at me the night of Falcon Finale. But it started far, far before that.
I have mentioned before that I have always had the need to strive to be the best. But lately, I have been able to analyze myself deeper than that. Yes, I want to stand out, to be the best. However, I want to do so without having to try all that hard. I think that I half expected the world to realise how great (I feel)I am as a person without my having to prove it. I also wanted to believe that if I feel that I am working harder than everyone else, I will ALWAYS achieve my goals.
Slowly overtime, these beliefs have slowly deteriorated. However, it all came crashing down on Falcon Finale.
It almost did me in.
I knew I would not get the Science award; I had gathered this from Mr. Erickson already. It didn't matter.
I KNEW I would get First Falcon.
I was thrown a curveball when I got the Spanish award. A nice bonus; I figured it would go well with my First Falcon Award.
"Given to the student who is Well-rounded, A good Scholar, A great Citizen, and a person who participates in a variety of school activites." That's in the bag I thought.
7th grade: 4.0 roll twice, High Honor Roll twice, mediocre Track runner, wrestler.
8th grade: 4.0 roll all terms, champion varsity wrestler, district lvl track runner, State Champ and National Level Science Olympian.
9th grade: 4.0 once (hopefully twice), High Honor Roll twice, District Champion track runner, State Champ and National Level Science Olympain, and (generally) I thought a good majority of people knew me and were my friends.
No, that all came crashing down around me; I was stunned when I found out I hadn't even been nominated. Everything kinda lost color and I was lost in myself. Everytime I saw the candidates up on stage, I could feel stabbing pain inside.
I had lost. Again.
I had lost everything.
I didn't ever take home a wrestling medal, NSO medal, or even a Track medal.
Those hurt enough.
This was my last glimmer of hope, and in the course of a few seconds I realised, all was lost.
Game Over.
5 comments:
Don't be upset because at least you got an award. Who won first falcon? By the way, were you supposed to go or did you get invited?
I know exactly how you feel. I feel sort of conceited by saying this, but for weeks before falcon finale I also KNEW that the english award was going to me. I figured that since I had excellent grades in english, was in honors english, was in creative writing, and was told by all (including mrt) that my blog was by far a favorite to read, that I had a VERY good chance of getting that award. Trust me, you weren't the only one moping afterward, especially since a LOT of my friends got awards. That night was a much needed humble lesson for me.
fyi: the deleted comment was mine because I accidentally posted before I was done. I deleted it and wrote a new one. sorry for the confusion.
Its ok Marilee...glad to know im not the only one! hehe
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